I kept staring at my mobile phone throughout the lectures hoping that my phone will ring. I wanted to hear my father’s voice desperately. I wished everything turned out well and my father was safe.

After the lectures, I and my friends went to the library to prepare notes but the library was surprisingly jam-packed and there was no place to sit. So, we issued the books we wanted to prepare notes and went upstairs to sit in our classroom which was always empty after our lectures. Our classrooms were in the farthest corner of the college building, opposite to our lab. After our lectures, the whole area was always deserted. As we walked towards the classroom, I noticed that Avinash and his friends were sitting in the adjacent room. Once we settled with our books, we started discussing and dividing topics for preparing notes. Suddenly, we heard loud music from the adjacent room. Somebody was playing romantic songs from their phone. Most of us enjoyed the songs as preparing notes was one the most dreary activities.  I was glancing my phone in between as I was expecting my father’s call. I saw a SMS from unknown number, I opened it hoping it to be my father’s message. It read:

“Hi Gayu. Is the music too loud? Let me know if it’s disturbing you-Avinash.”

I was annoyed and banged my phone in anger. I was too worried and curious to know about my father. I did not have the patience to tolerate anything else.

The music stopped after a while and we heard footsteps of people walking away from the next room. My thoughts shuttled between my father and Avinash. I picked my phone and attended an incoming call,

“I love you Gayu…”

“How dare you? I accepted your apology but that doesn’t give you the liberty to say those words to me.”

I disconnected the call in anger and realized my folly when I looked at the screen of my phone.

“God! How stupid I am? It was Hari” I said to myself.

Hari called again. I attended the call and walked outside the classroom.

“What did I do now?” Hari was confused.

“I’m sorry baby. I’m too much stressed out today. I thought it was somebody else” I explained.

“Who? Avinash? Hari enquired.

“Yes. He texted me. He has my number as well. What should I do? I want to give him a strong message that I’m not interested in him. ” I vented out my frustration to Hari.

“Ignore him. Why did you call me? I couldn’t pick up your call as I was attending lectures. We had a guest faculty who took our sessions in the evening” Hari’s question reminded me of my father’s situation.

I described my ordeal to him and he agreed that I took the right decision by staying back. After preparing notes, we packed bags and left. As we reached near the gates of the college, I noticed Avinash waiting at the gates of the college. I wished I could flee but my feet kept me dragging towards the gate.

I gathered courage and started walking past him completely ignoring him.  I heard my phone beeping and realized a message was delivered. It was from Avinash. It read:“So, you still haven’t pardoned me.”

I was frustrated and furious because of everything that had happened. Those feelings made me walk fast, fast enough to hurt the muscles of my leg. I realized my face had become wet with tears when my friends rushed towards me and asked me what had happened. I looked back and checked if Avinash was watching me cry. He had disappeared from my sight.

Back at home, sadness reigned. However, we all were glad my father was back home safely. He had explained his problems to my mother and brother. We all were hurt. Nobody uttered a word. At dinner time, I noticed that the gloominess lingered on everybody’s faces. I decided to start an irrelevant conversation which might distract them from their thoughts. Without giving it any second thoughts, I blurted,

“One of my seniors has a crush on me. He was in US. He sent chocolates and some gifts for me”, I didn’t want to scare them further by adding that he had my e-mail id and mobile number.

“Did you accept them?” my mother wore a scorn look.

“Yes. I didn’t know it was from him and why it was being gifted”, I reasoned.

“How could you accept gifts without knowing from whom it is and what are their intentions? That is so irresponsible of you”, she yelled back.

A part of me felt stupid for saying what I had said to my family and a part of me was glad that the focus of worry had shifted from something serious to something silly.

“I am sorry. I will tell him that I am not interested in him and return his gifts tomorrow” I said looking at the floor. I no longer had any courage to look into the scornful eyes of my mother.

“Tomorrow?? You will give it to him? You said he was in US”, my father who was quiet all this while suddenly switched into the protective-suspicious-anxious father mode.

“Yes. He was in US for trainings. He came back” I explained.

“Why did he leave that and come back?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him or try to find out” I said.

“You better find out” he stared at me.

“You better not be the reason”, my mother added.

I looked at my brother who was listening to our conversations. He giggled, probably at my stupidity. I had created a mess for my own self just to distract everyone.

Next day at college, my eyes searched for Avinash. I saw him standing alone in the corridors that led to our classroom. It was deserted as the lectures hadn’t begun. I noticed that he held a cigarette in his right hand and realized he was smoking. I started walking backwards as I didn’t want to confront him when the floor was so deserted and the cigarette in his hand was a turn off.

“Gayatri”, he climbed a few stairs which were the only distance between us. He threw away the cigarette and smiled.

“Hi” I tried to fake a smile.

“Look, I am sorry. I don’t know what else to tell you. I don’t want to irritate you or follow you. I don’t know how to explain. It’s crazy. I…”

Before he could complete, I snapped “Why did you come back from US?”

“I can’t tell you, I’m sorry”

“Tell me. Will you? I want to know what made you come all the way from US leaving your trainings midway”

“Please don’t force me. I can’t tell you”

“No. I want to know. You have to tell me. I will help you and you can go back to US as soon as possible.”

“I will not go back. I will continue studying here”

“Why? Tell me. It’s bothering me now. Please..tell me why? I promise I will not tell it to anyone”

“I can’t stay away from you. I missed you. Even if it’s just a minute, I want to see you, keep seeing you. I can’t live without you. I’m sorry I don’t know what to do…but I am madly in love with you” his eyes looked as soulful as Hari’s when he said he loved me. I saw a twinkle in his eyes which I had seen in Hari’s eyes for me.

A pain burned in my heart. I couldn’t look into his eyes anymore. I knew he loved me the same way as Hari did. I was frozen. I knew how painful it might be for him to learn about Hari. I knew how hurt he would be when he realizes he was wrong in choosing me over his career. I knew the pain, I had experienced it several times in the past. Yet, I couldn’t keep him in dark. I had to tell him no matter how much it hurt him. He had the right to know. I didn’t want him to ruin his career and life.

“Avinash, I have to tell you this. It will hurt you. But I have no right to spoil your future”, I found enough words and power to begin the conversation.

“You don’t have to say anything. I know. I know about you. You don’t have to love me back. Don’t ask me to go back. I can’t bear that” I saw the twinkle in his eyes dribbling down on his cheeks with his tears.

“You don’t understand. I love someone else. His name is Hari. Our families have accepted it and planned our marriage. All my life I have loved him and only him. I can understand your feelings. But staying around me will weaken you more. You need to go back to US. Complete your trainings, secure your future. Please..”

“I know that you love Hari. I know that you won’t love anyone else except him. Yet, I love you Gayatri. Don’t ask me to leave. I am not that brave to attempt it once more. Staying away from you for that long is exhausting”, he held my hands and begged.